"Oh, hey Shee! Where've you been?"
Hey, folks! I know, I literally am the worst blogger in the history of blogging. I have a great excuse, I'm a full-time student and a full-time wife and mother...so sometimes the things I'd like to do for myself sit on the back burner. Hopefully, with me wrapping up school for the semester, I'll have some time to focus on my creative side. So, here's something for you to read if you'd like.
So, here is where I insert ***DISCLAIMER*** I am NOT, I repeat, I am NOT a therapist and I have no license to give you medical advice about any health (or mental health) related issues you may be dealing with. There are many qualified individuals and reputable resources available than can help you find the help you need, should you need it. If you need help looking for resources, I will be more than happy to help you. Please send me an email.
Sometimes our worst pain comes from hoarding.
Did she say, "hoarding?"
Yep, I sure did!
We've all done it, yes, the dreaded emotional hoarding. We do our best not to hold on to all the emotions that come with the pain we experience, but the truth is we are never truly done processing pain when we are suddenly hit by something else.
The hits keep on coming and we keep on hoarding. Most times we are so afraid to let things go because we get comfortable in the pain; we don't know who we are without it. Or, there is so much that we are dealing with, we don't know how to let it go. I've been in both places and each is hard. So, if this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
This year has been one of the best years of my life. I have so much to be grateful for:
My first book
The continuing of my education
Just to name a few...
But, if I'm being honest, it has been an emotional year for me as well. With so much tribulation, it's only fair that there are trials, right? Well, maybe. In my case, yes. I don't want to sound like I'm being an ungrateful brat, because I am anything but ungrateful (but, yes, I am a brat). Most of these trials came in the form of a haunting.
Sounds weird, right? A haunting?
So much of my emotional hoarding comes from past relationships. I won't go into detail because, gosh, that could take me years to write up but, let's just say its all a big mess. Bad endings, bad blood (whatever you want to call it) with my bio-dad, stepmother, siblings, step-family, etc. All these people who continue to hurt me from a distance, and they don't even lose sleep. Yes, I understand relationships are two-sided, and I will take all the blame for anything I've ever done to contribute to the mess but that is all I can do...I can only apologize for what I did. Nothing they have ever done to hurt me goes recognized, and unfortunately, it probably never will.
That was what I struggled with the most. The fact that they may very well go about their day never even thinking about me or the pain that they've caused me. But, it hit me. So, what! Who cares if I will never hear an apology from them? Who cares if they never feel bad for all the pain they've ever caused me? So much of what I was feeling was pity for myself. I was being so self-centered and wanting the world to revolve around me that I was ignoring the lesson. I was ignoring the value of the pain they had gifted me. I was wasting my life on a maybe. A hope that maybe one day they'd feel some of the pain I had been feeling for so much of my life.
I'm not saying it isn't going to continue to hurt me to have these broken relationships. Or, that there won't be days where it hurts like it is a fresh wound. What I am saying is that I am okay with these relationships being a thing of my past. I am okay with letting them go and living fewer days with them ruining the happiness of my present.
I'm not going to sit here and lecture you on why it's important for you to let things go when I am guilty of holding on to things I should have let go of a long---->long time ago. But, what I will say is that when you are able to let something go, do it. Let it go, for you, and no one else.
She lights the candle
With the faint scent of peach
She sits cross-legged
On a cold, hard floor
Regretting her choice of shorts
But, letting the cold wake her
Afraid of fire
But somehow in love with the flame
She watches as it dances
A show she’s privileged to see
It’s been a tough year
But beautiful too
But joyous memories too
She’s lost some people
But found home in some too
It’s been, what it was meant to be
And it was, what it was
When it needed to be
And she’s grateful
Even if it nearly killed her
Even if she nearly...
Closed eyes, no wishes
Only letting those feelings hit her one last time
Then inhales deep
Goodbye can feel good, I promise
And, she blows out the candle
She opens her eyes
Sees the smoke and knows
We must close finish chapters
To begin new ones
She’s afraid of fire
But somehow, in love with the flame
If I don't get back on here before the year ends, I want to wish all of you a season of happy holidays and a beautiful new year!